"digested food"

Ok, the euphemism gets a pass, the rest of it almost gets a pass because the euphemism made me laugh out loud. Thanks Doctor Tarr.

Hostile "sights & sounds"

Seems like the portion of this sign that is in quotation marks is in fact the LEAST crazy. Thanks Claire.

try our "french fries"

I guess they really mean.... freedom fries? Thanks Jennifer.

near half price?

  

The placement of these quotation marks make so little sense I can't even make fun of them. Thanks Peter.

don't leave "children"

That child-like adult you hang out with could really use some supervision also. Thanks Brett.

"no pets"

I guess... teenagers in puppy love permitted. Barely. Thanks Oliver!

"Place" the hangers right here

I guess if you lob the hangers in the direction of the "rack" you're doing ok. Thanks Steve.

Name "your" price

Submitter Autumn writes, "Your mother told you to name that price, didn't she?"

"Real" butter

Who knows what the amish put in that stuff. And what counts as "real" butter anyway? Thanks Autumn.

Well, not literally

I try to avoid offensive language here, but I couldn't resist this, because the more I think about what it could mean, the funnier it is. Was the writer worried you'd take the insult "asshole" literally? Have they taken to calling someone "asshole" as a nickname? Thanks Richelle.

"pregnant" people

I guess if you're faking a pregnancy they have a special fake procedure for you. Thanks Mandy.

Please "ring" the bell

I guess if you mime ringing the bell, that would be preferred. Thanks Jake.

"open" to the public

I guess this store is really just ajar to the public. Thanks Jesse.

keep it "clean"

In her email, submitter Elise wrote, "Mind you, they have no interest in whether the town is actually clean." Which I think explains a lot.

here's some insincere gratitude

Just for you. "Thanks." (Sincere thanks to submitter Stephanie)

"warning"

Oh, I know what this translates to. "Warning"= notice of potential hilarity. Thanks Janet.

parking in "back"

Maybe this parking is more like... to the side. Thanks Antonio.

Suuuure you do

I guess this is a well-known saying around ikea? Thanks David.

close the "door"

I guess by "door" they mean PORTAL OUT OF THE MATRIX! Right? Thanks Hilly.

a "quart" of "ice cream"

I guess you can eat your cake with a pint of sherbet if you want. Thanks Alon.

truck code

I can only assume that "detergent" "equipment" and "service" are all secret codes for something illegal that you can get by calling the number and saying a secret word, maybe your, um, "product" comes out of this very truck? Thanks Ed.

for "hotel guests only"

So I guess anybody can use the restrooms and lobby at this place. Thanks Gina.

suuure you will

Karen sent me this as well as a link to the source, a blog post full of early 20th century motivational posters. This one doesn't seem condescending "at all."

we have "toe rings"

Somebody told me these weird small rings were for toes, so I put this awkward line drawing of feet on this sign, but I'm still skeptical. Thanks Alex.

fake polite door

I guess what they really wanted to say wasn't a great thing to put on the door of a shop. Thanks Eric.

"licenced" you say?

Yeah, that guy is totally a "Licensed Real Estate Broker" and not a slumlord at all. Thanks Matthew.

"hot" coffee machine

I guess sometimes it's iced coffee? Thanks Mickey.

The "old" shack

You know, based on the brick work, I'd accept quotation marks around "shack" as well. Thanks Stephen.

"No" happy hour

I'm not even going to think about what Game's Day is, but there may or may not be happy hour then. Thanks Dave.

"slow" "truck"

I guess this alleged truck travels at a moderate pace. Thanks Robert.

"By the Laboratory"

I assume this is the title of the weird picture of people looking at microscopes. It's funnier if you over-pronounce lab-o-ra-to-ry. Thanks Jacqueline.

"no" trucks"

I can't think of a good reason for 3 quotation marks happening. I just.... can't. Thanks Becca and Jamie.

Use "bottled water"

Carla spotted this at an upscale lake community. I wonder what's really happening to the water lines.

"on a roll"

I guess these sandwiches are near a bun? Or they are referencing the expression "on a roll" in a weird way? Thanks g.

Open "Sunday"

I guess if you're working, it's barely a Sunday anymore. Thanks Erin.

It's "Dangerous"

I guess whoever wrote this sign laughs in the face of danger. Thanks David.

"This could be" your ad!

I am guessing this means you're supposed to sing the part in quotation marks. Thanks Leah.

uhh....

I think I know what "knob" is slang for, but when I tried to make sense of it in the context of a side "knob" I got confused and stopped trying. Thanks Sean.

Garbage code

I'm not sure what I really need to do about my garage or when. So that's awesome. Thanks Sara.

The double-hedge

These folks are really tentative about their claims about coffee. Thanks Catherine.

what will happen?

I don't know what kind of "bumping" takes place here and I'm not sure I want to. Thanks Rosemary.

sure, make up some rules

You know, the "state code" prevents you from opening the windows. No other reason, at all. Thanks Fred.

"quality" job

I guess this paving is an ok job. Thanks Sarah.

Operated by "sensor"

So, is the "sensor" a dude who stands there turning the light on and off? Thanks Larissa.

The "ice cream" station

I guess you can get some sorbet and frozen yogurt here. Thanks Nate!

tofu?

Phoebe spotted this at a local deli, where they apparently serve a pork-like food.