"style"

These shirts are so ugly, we don't dare suggest that they have any style, let alone good taste. Thanks, Jeff.

"fabric"

I don't know what things count as "fabric" or whether it is only returnable for a reason, or there is no reason why it is not returnable. Thanks, Drew!

"natural"

Now that I think about it, there is very little natural about chopping up beef into small pieces, forming it into a patty, cooking it, and putting it on a bun with some other stuff. Thanks, Arianna.

"Honest" Ed's

Pandora spotted this at Honest Ed's Store, a landmark in Toronto. the high number of superfluous quotation marks makes me start to doubt Ed's honesty. Pandora also offers this comment: "What, you mean, pretend to buy something? Um... OK? Or maybe they mean, "buy" it... with your five-finger discount, nudge, nudge."

"professionals"

I guess these guys aren't too professional... Thanks, Jim.

"soup"

these pots actually have solids in them - some cut up veggies, no liquid. Thanks, Nick.

"welcome"

the church is "just over here" and "everyone" should "come". Seriously.... Thanks, Tina.

what for?

Conor spotted this while getting a christmas tree. For some reason, the quotation marks make me feel like I need to whisper the statement creepily: "you're going to need it......"

"deer hunting season"

Apparently in this town there is real deer hunting season and the fake, under the table one. Thanks, Paul.

where is that guy?

Amy writes "It makes me wonder if there's a thuggish security guard nicknamed 'the law' lurking somewhere in the store waiting to catch people inappropriately trying on underwear."

you sort of have to

Submitter Olivia points out that those employees who can read Spanish really do have to wash their hands. English only... maybe you don't.

"all ages"

No matter how old you are, this guy will treat you like you're 8. Sounds fun. Thanks, Eva.

greenish

That bag looks pretty clearly green to me, but maybe they had a fight over the color name (it's really more kelly, no aquamarine, I think forrest). Or maybe it has something to do with this.
Thanks, Jim.

around Los Angeles

Jim spotted this one. I assume he was in LA at the time, but frankly I am not sure.

"look wide"

Elwyn spotted this in Queenscliff, Australia. I don't get it at all, but apparently that cross-eyed person is "looking wide" or something...

"tree's"

Assuming the apostrophe here is in error, I assume they mean to say they have a collection of plastic christmas trees. For your future. Thanks, Aimee.

I could use a "conference call" myself

I'm glad Kate sent me this. How else would I know the current euphemism for goofing off at the office?

options

The best part of this, besides the clip art, is the passive aggressive options at the bottom. However, I think they secretly want you to leave the dishes in the sink. Thanks, Amy.

that's right, hiriing

I don't know what kind of tasks the "waitresses" at this Des Moines bar do, but it sounds sketchy. Or what times the serve "lunch" and if it's food at all. Thanks, Danielle and Kyle.

"open immediately"

KB writes, "Appeared in the office mail room today. I hope the recipient put off
opening it, just in case."

a few minutes

This car wash and wax takes a little while. We don't know exactly how long. Thanks Lily.

not the controversial ones

Oh, we don't use Stem Cells as such, we use "stem cells." It's different. Thanks Maureen.

hit man

It's good to know you can get rid of your cheating-ass husband, I mean "private bodies" at this place in Australia. Thanks, Jennie.

Ok USA

The indiscriminate use of quotation marks here raises questions for me, but the patriotic conclusion really has me confused. Ironically, the one term that could legitimately bear quotation marks ("indigestion") is the only one not quoted. Thanks, Kim.

cleanish

Let's face it, all we can really expect from nature is "clean." It's still dirt. Thanks, Aaron.

"business"

calling it a "business" day does not imply that we actually do business on those days. Thanks, Matthew.

"for" sale

It's actually for playing, but the piano is currently for sale. Thanks, Marah.

no "profits" here

I must say, the quotation marks here are less eerie than the coercive/comforting tone of the note. Feel free to spend your meager funds here all the time. Thanks... (and thanks for the submission, Amber.)

the phone was being modest

Jim spotted this one, which is clearly not just any phone.

"employees"

Audrey saw this at the hospital. I guess somebody is disgruntled about not being treated like a real employee...

code

this place is still a cover for drugs, but stop dropping off your crappy clothes, ok? We only take nice things. Thanks, Claire.

they'll take "care" of something

What I really like about this one is the font variety. Thanks, Rivka.

from somewhere

These beers are allegedly made in these places, but we don't trust it. Thanks, Rob.

"ten minutes"

Colleen saw this at an Oil Change Place. There is a little bit of kidding, I think.

water into....?

So we had these bottles of grape juice and they expired, so we just re-sealed them with a cork and they are in this crate. buy it! Thanks, Brian.

"till midnight"

This bar closes when they feel like it, I guess. Thanks, Adam.

also this

I have no idea what this means, so maybe those quotation marks are necessary, but it's still awesome. Thanks, Elizabeth.

"hands-and-knees"

this is especially true if your knees are filthy. Or something. Thanks Jeremy.

they don't enforce it

It seems the law on this matter is ambiguous. Thanks, Julianne.

severe-ish

Found on the wall of an oil change shop - a disclaimer about driving in "severe" conditions.

Can we assume that driving in "severe" conditions includes "harsh" sunlight, "torrential" rain, and "blizzards"? Or, is it more like driving through "boiling acid", "the ocean" or a "chicken truck"?

fake IDs here

Lucy spotted this one at a Korean/Japanese restaurant in Harvard Square. I guess you can use your fake ID there, but make no mistake, they don't actually love you.

some service

ok, they actually want you to say "please" and "thank you". I assume if you do not, they will say "no service" and serve you anyway? Thanks, Charlie.

not looking for dates

Some people have a few home videos around. Ask about them. Thanks, Karla.

In other news, this is post 2001. 2k posts about QUOTATION MARKS? And hundreds more in my inbox? Life is strange, friends.

open

"open"

Really really open or just closed.

it could be "yours"

Sarah spotted these at Hot Topic. So don't worry, this wristcuff looks like it belongs to a vampire, but we did not steal it from him just to sell it here. What a relief.

random soupy stuff

Apparently they threw together these things at the store, they're goopy collections of non-beef things. Sweet. Thanks, Wayne.

in your imagination

Bob saw this in an American Girl Doll catalogue. It seems that the doll's watch has hands that move in your imagination. So, in other words, it is no cooler than a watch you imagined in the first place.

newish

Ok, when that guy fell through the roof, we had "skylights" but now we will have real ones. Thanks, Valerie.